As performers and audience members arrive for the Out Of Bounds Comedy Festival, there are plenty of blogs about what to do in Austin. Here’s a list of 10 things NOT to do in the capitol city.
1. Segway Tours
Many visitors to Austin feel way overly self-assure, and try to take themselves down a peg. Segway tours allow the rider to be judged by literally everyone in different parts of the city quickly, by eliminating all that burdensome ‘walking’ in between. Rock a fanny pack, flip up sunglasses, and a “…and all I got was this stupid shirt” shirt for added effect.
2. Historic Dirty 6th Street
East 6th Street, known as “Dirty 6th Street” to the belligerent locals, feels like a Jameson Irish Whiskey infused Lord of the Flies scene. Frat guys, bachelorettes, drunks, pushers, homeless, and prizefighter want-to-be’s, make a variable Long Island Ice Tea of greasy violent fun. And try the pizza, it will make you thankful for salads.
Are you fascinated by everything? Do you live in a constant state of awe for things like cars, phones, and the telegraph? This is the tour is for you. It’s not a slow poorly equipped boat, it’s not a cruelly hot, open-air bus, it’s both! Come subject yourself to the hot weather in the double wide trailer of the lake.
4. Horse Drawn Carriage Tour
Often the hustle and bustle of city life makes people pine for a simpler time. A time when you could take two hours to travel one mile around downtown in the company of an apathetic driver. Will this activity take my mind off the horrendous smell of vomit found on every corner near 6th Street, you ask? Yes! In fact horse poop from these tormented creatures smells powerful enough to overwhelm any sympathy. What horse wouldn’t want a tightly braided mane, poorly applied shoes, or glitter painted hooves.
5. Lady Bird Lake
This algae filled waterway running through downtown was renamed Lady Bird Lake in 2007, but is still commonly referred to as Town Lake. Because one thing that is bigger in Texas is our resistance to change. Despite being the location of the decommissioned power plant, and dog park, Lady Bird Lake also serves as the city’s water source. On the weekends the lake is home to a veritable flotilla of stand-up paddle boarders, because nothing says white people like slow moving surf boards, with canoe paddles.
6. Party Barge
Presumably Party Barges were invented by a masochistic bar goer, who wanted the heater cracked up to 100, and while trapped on a slow moving water craft, far from medical attention, with only a water slide and ornery sea captain, who’s used to saving drunk frat girls from the depths of Lake Travis by their Mardi Gras beads. But hey, at least there’s no one there to cut you off from drinking too much.
7. Barton Springs
Some see the cool waters of this natural spring as a beautiful display of nature, Austinites see it as opportunity build an E-Coli ridden concrete basin holding the water runoff from the surrounding housing developments. As one resident puts it, “It’s as refreshing like a pool that also has fish poop and seaweed in it.” Barton Springs, as a clothing optional facility, has long been a hot spot for one topless woman, and dozens of creepy men.
Congress Ave. bridge in downtown Austin is home to the largest urban population of Mexican brown bats, who may or may not leave their home at sunset. Join the hordes of unbehaved children, and aggressive ice cream bike, waiting around for this anticlimactic natural phenomenon. Watch out though, not only are they hard to see, they also poop on the spectators.
9. Baylor Street Art Wall
In Detroit the graffiti ridden concrete walls of an abandon foundation might be considered an eye sore, in Austin it’s an art installation. This homage to weed, three eyed rodents, and anti-government sentiment occupies a deserted lot just below a stone castle, which is complete with crenulations. Because why wouldn’t a castle overlook a lot of broken art school dreams, and mangled rebar.
Fishing sucks. That’s it. Fishing sucks. It’s a terribly boring way hunt for something you can’t see, and probably won’t catch.