#1: Anna Christine (no Xs)
It was initially written that Christine may drop out of the competition later than her talent would suggest due to her age; due to America being uncomfortable with the idea of putting someone at her age on a big stage in Las Vegas.
After her first live performance, that might come to fruition prematurely.
Christine sounded nervous and unsteady, and at one point, may have been caught clearing her throat by the microphone. Mel B. and Howie Mandel both commented on it, and Christine admitted to not being at her best.
Howard Stern’s advice to her was to never admit that she had made mistakes because “It isn’t apparent to everyone.”
That’s not entirely true, but it is apparent that Christine is exceptionally talented even by adult standards. She shouldn’t be counted out just yet, but after tonight, she might need the judges or the wild card round to get her there.
#2: tellAvision (no Xs)
tellAvision appears to be taking influence from the Silhouettes and believe they can pander their way all the way to the finals. The theme of their performance was, again, very sappy.
The judges were split on this one, with Mandel and Mel B. praising the act while Stern pointed out that the “dance is not particulary strong” and Klum saying she “didn’t feel that emotion.”
What nobody pointed out was that, despite the leader of the group stressing that one person being even slightly off would throw everything off, they mistimed and misplaced their movements constantly.
#3: American Hitmen (no Xs)
The Hitmen chose to perform Cocker’s classic “With A Little Help From My Friends,” which suited their lead vocalist nicely, though Heidi Klum disagreed, saying “You are better than that song” and “I just want it harder.”
This column’s advise to the Hitmen is to ignore her completely. She’s consistently proving herself to be dumber even than Howie Mandel.
Stern also noted that he “felt some of the emotion drain out of that song,” though otherwise praised the group. Mel B. and Mandel were also positive.
The only possible drawback (and this is only slight) that nobody pointed out was that the band were spread out wide across the stage, so except for one moment where the lead singer and his brother shared the microphone, it looked more like a soloist than a band.
#4: Special Head (no Xs)
For Special Head’s performance, he levitated from a sitting position, then disappeared. Nick Cannon then came out onto the stage expressing that he had no idea what was going on until an outdoor camera shot revealed that Special Head was standing on top of the marquee sign outside. At this point, they had to cut to commercial while they were bringing him back in.
Special Head still is impressive, but he’s also a pain in the ass.
The judges were all negative. Mel B. called it “a little bit funny,” Mandel said he was becoming “less and less special,” and Stern summed it up by saying “Special Head has run out of steam.”
#5: Fresh Faces (no Xs)
No wonder these girls got so little exposure. They’re nauseating.
The performance also dragged and had little to no synchronization. This is literally an act that has nothing but cuteness propping it up.
The judges were mixed. Mel B. called them the “2013 mini dancing Spice Girls,” though Mandel called it “an amazing dance recital” while Stern conceded that they were “sweet and cute,” but that it wasn’t enough.
Klum tried to take the girls’ defense, but could only do so by saying “America’s Got Talent is a family show.”
Think about this: The Fresh Faces are the exact same age as Anna Christine. Cuteness might have sold with America any other time, but when you compare the two of them together like that, it’s actually kind of embarrassing.
#6: Collins Key (no Xs)
For Key’s performance, he mentioned the AGT Twitter feed and asked all four of the judges to tweet a word.
Mandel was asked to pick an activity. He chose “prancing.”
Mel B. was asked to name a city. She chose New York City.
Klum was asked to name any celebrity who was not in the building.
She asked “Mel B. or me?”
Heidi Klum is as dumb as dirt. It literally took Key several tries to explain it to her before she finally named Brad Pitt.
Finally, he asked Howard Stern to name a body part. And big surprise, he picked “tuchas.”
Key then stated that “exactly one week ago, I had a very vivid dream about the tweets that would be sent during the show.”
He then opened a locked box that had been suspended during the entire performance, from which he produced his dream as written “I’m prancing in New York with Brad Pitt who injured his back.
Oh, wait, I wrote it on the back.” On the back of which was written “Tuchas.”
The response was universally positive. Collins Key may now be comfortably considered a front runner.
#7: Kevin Downey Jr. (no Xs)
If Kevin Downey Jr. proved anything tonight, it’s that Howard Stern and Howie Mandel don’t know jack crap about comedy.
Most of his material aimed for offensive as opposed to funny, such as joking about using Chloroform as a perfume because the ladies couldn’t say no to him after they smelled it, as well as having a tattoo on his butt that said “If you can read this, I’m in prison.”
Downey’s delivery style is also to shout it out in monotone, yet both Mandel and Stern praised his delivery.
The women, however, were not sold on it. Nick Cannon tried to defend Downey by saying they didn’t get it, to which Klum responded that she did understand it, she just didn’t like it.
In this way, Downey is well positioned to become this season’s Tom Cotter: A comedian that a small portion of the audience really likes, but that anyone with their head on the outside of their ass is going to absolutely despise.
#8: Aaralyn & Izzy (X from Stern)
I’ve said all along that this act was crap, and now I have proof: Howie Mandel gave them a standing ovation.
It was just more of the same screaming, with the only lyrics that could be made out at all being “Stepping in dog poo.”
And even then, I only got that because Nick Cannon repeated it over and over and over again. Which I would reprimand him for if it didn’t serve as a constant reminder not to vote for this act.
“It’s time to stop the nonsense,” said Stern, and at that, the audience cheered.
Only Mandel (obviously) was positive. He pointed out that the group had fifteen million hits — “More hits than Jackie Evancho!”
So does Rebecca Black’s “Friday” Howie. And the reason she got so many hits is because people were laughing at how terrible it was.
#9: Alexanderia the Great (no Xs)
In her initial review, Alexanderia was written off as unable to compete because Spencer Horsman, who was better at the craft, was also unable to compete.
Alexanderia may have put too fine a point on that tonight by once again doing an underwater escape and once again relying on elements that were not apparent to the viewers at home.
She twice said she didn’t think Houdini himself would have attempted this trick, which is presumptuous to say the least.
Mel B. offered the only criticism, saying that “I’m not sure if this is a full show.” The other judges either praised her or dodged the question completely.
#10: KriStef Brothers (no Xs)
The KriStef Brothers aren’t just continuing to clown around. They’re also getting dumber.
Highlights included glitter coming out of their underpants and jokes about farts and sodomy.
Which the idiots at the table all loved, of course, with Mandel and Stern both calling it the best act of the night so far.
I call it a waste of talent. They have talent, yes, but all America is going to remember after that is that one of them had glitter in his underpants.
Oh well. Maybe they’ll take enough votes away from Kevin Downey Jr. and spare us from enduring either of them again.
#11: Hype (no Xs)
The group’s “new elements” for this performance were dancing in a water fountain, which added absolutely nothing to the routine.
Which, in fairness, was still a good routine, though the judges all once again judged them by comparison to their previous performances. Stern, Klum and Mel B. all called it a drop down from their open call, while Mandel dodged the question.
#12: Branden James (no Xs)
James’ only drawback tonight was his song choice. Not because it was unsuited to his voice — on the contrary, he certainly did it justice, but because “You Raise Me Up” is one of the most overused, frequently parodied songs in existence.
Needless to say, the judges were all positive. James was chosen to close the night for a reason.
One last reminder: These are not the acts as listed according to personal preference. These are the acts, based on the way they performed and the way America has voted during past seasons, arranged from most likely to advance to least:
- Collins Key
- American Hitmen
- Branden James
- Anna Christine
- KriStef Brothers
- Kevin Downey Jr.
- Fresh Faces
- Alexanderia the Great
- Special Head
- Aaralyn & Izzy