The hearts of women everywhere will break in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1… Aaaaaand cue the wine and chocolate overdose, here we go, rose lovers!
We’re back for the two-part episode of the Gland Finale, Err, I mean Grand Finale, of The Bachelorette!
All I can say is wowzers, y’all! WOWZERS!!!
In the “most dramatic episode in Bachelorette history” (FOR REALS THIS TIME!), Drew and Brooks say I do. To each other. HA!
Okay, that’s not completely true (not yet anyway). What is true, however, is that the remaining men cry so much that their nutsacks dry up. Egnads!
While ABC did pull the ole switcheroo, it was not gender related. (Maybe next time, eh?)
Instead, the producer’s sneaky little promos the last few weeks led us to believe that Drew was questioning his feelings towards Des and someone was going home.
Someone Des go home, Err, I mean does go home. But it ain’t Drew.
THE FINAL DATES
On their one-on-one date, Des and Drew take a Jeep for a drive around the island of Antigua, stopping periodically to kiss. Des and Drew are like that annoying freshmen make-out couple who hangs out near your locker and drools on each other. Stop it.
To her credit, a date with Drew is like a couple of hours with a really nice, shiny mirror.
Next, Drew beats an Antiguan midget in the finals of a limbo competition. Well, that’s what would have happened if this episode weren’t so dull.
Seriously, this season is all of the same pain as when I got my wisdom teeth pulled, but without the $1,500 fee.
At any rate (HA! See what I did there?), Des and Drew sit atop a mountain, eating pineapple and talking about being in love. After nine weeks, mind you.
Drew loves Des even if it’s raining. In a world where verbs are called adjectives it makes perfect sense.
Des gives Drew the Fantasy Suite card.
Des says she wants to give him the world. Oh, “the world?” Is that what you’re calling it these days? “Let me take you on a trip around “the world.” Wink, wink.
At this point, we listen to them kiss. So gross! Turn off the microphones, ABC! We don’t need to listen to the tonsil hockey.
This is how I feel about Chris: ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz
Regardless, a helicopter picks Chris and Des up and drops them off on the island of Barbuda.
They share a dinner. During which all I can think is, “Is there a broken parrot on the set? OMG, stop that cackling.”
They talk about moving the relationship to the next level and who will need to move closer to whom. Des says she can move to Seattle to see where their relationship can go from there. But she says it with all the enthusiasm of a man in a full body cast. Very telling.
She offers him a fantasy suite card. He accepts it. She no doubt showed him “the world” too.
At this point, instead of cutting to the beginning of Brooks Forester’s tropical date, confused viewers watched an extended scene from his hometown date in Utah last week, shortly after Brooks said goodbye to Des.
An obviously upset and conflicted Brooks tells his family that he was having some doubts. (The one thing Brooks can commit to is hair gel and V-necks).
“I love my relationship with Desiree and I keep wondering why it is that I’m not at the stage yet to say to Desiree, ‘I love you.’” he said. “The idea of proposing to her at the end of this makes me really uncomfortable.”
What makes me uncomfortable, Brooks, is that we still have 50 minutes of the show tonight. AND entire 2 hours next week! Stop the bleeding!
Brooks arrives on the island and immediately sits down to have a talk with Chris Harrison.
Let me tell you, I’ve seen more articulate stroke victims than Brooks right now. He cannot form a complete sentence. He does, however, get the message across that he’s not in love Des and came to Antigua to break her heart. Well, and because it was a free trip to Antigua!!!
Des arrives on the scene crop-topped and smiling. Completely unaware that she’s about to be dumped.
I totally understand why Brooks is doing what he’s doing, but man, poor Des. She. Will. Be. HEARTBROKEN.
I mean, don’t they usually just pretend to be in love, get hitched, & ruin the sanctimony of marriage on this show? That’s what I thought.
Des and Brooks hug. But mid-embrace he tells her they need to talk. Cue the jaws music.
Brooks is SO wishing he could break up with Des via text.
Brooks takes Des to a bench on the dock and proceeds to ramble in the same manner he did with the show’s host. Des quickly understood what Brooks is getting at, however, and her eyes fill up with tears.
“I know what you’re going to say,” she says sobbing.
“It takes me a while when I see you again to remember what we have,” Brooks said trying to explain himself. “I feel like I lose it.”
Des manages to choke out a “Why now?” to which Brooks responds that he always felt he needed more time (you know, like 8 weeks?), so he waited to make his decision.
Let me interject here with a few thoughts I’m having at this point of this tear-filled breakup:
1) Maybe take your leg off his lap while he dumps you, Des.
2) Des, you should be tanner by now.
3) Brooks has “Bitchy Resting Face.”
Brooks responds to Des’ question with, “I don’t feel like the moments apart are hard enough.” Meaning, their long-distance relationship doesn’t leave him wanting more.” Or in this case, any.
In another bombshell, Des admits what most Bachelorettes aren’t allowed to say until the final rose ceremony, that she is indeed in love with Brooks.
“I love you, I do,” Des says through tears. “It just sucks that I loved you. I do love you, regardless. You’re the only one that I could say that to. It sucks because for once in my life I was hopeful.”
Des confesses that she felt conflicted because she immediately developed feelings for Brooks and wanted to go on dates with him over other men.
“I didn’t want to share my heart, I wanted to give it to you,” she says.
After several more minutes of crying, Des walks Brooks out and then hysterically fled back to the dock.
Brooks couldn’t make himself leave right away, so he stayed and paced back and forth.
“This is the worst day of my life,” he said. “This is way worse than I thought this was going to be.”
“I just wish there was something I could say.” There is, Brooks. Utter the three words that will make this all better: I am gay.
“This throws everything off, having Brooks gone,” Des says. “It breaks my heart. I just can’t love [Drew and Chris] as much as they love me and that’s not what they deserve. Honestly, for me it’s over.”
Wow. Trouble in paradise. Can’t wait to see how things really unravel next week on the final episode of this season’s The Bachelorette. Join me, won’t you?
Be sure to check out Debbie’s other columns:
Austin Relationship Examiner
OC Dating and Advice Examiner
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