For the first time in Bachelorette history, there were no superlative claims regarding this season being the most dramatic, most shocking, or most controversial season of all time. Probably because all of America (especially Chris Harrison) realizes that it is just another season as tepid as room-temperature milk.
However, based on the two-minute preview of the season, this may be the season with the most crying. Ever. In the history of The Bachelorette. I haven’t seen this many boys cry since the announcement that Chipotle would no longer be giving free soft drinks to students. Desiree’s boys are emotional men, which only appropriately matches Desiree’s overactive tear ducts. The girl cries no matter what she talks about. She cries when she talks about Sean, her lost love (sad tears), her fairytale love story (happy tears), and the omelet she ate for breakfast (egg tears).
The episode opens with an oddly silent intro of her driving up to a mansion in Malibu. She walks up and meets Chris Harrison who looks like he wants to die. I feel no attachment toward Des yet. I am neither annoyed nor rooting for her. But, she sort of looks like Jillian (Bachelorette from 4 years ago, a.k.a. 39 seasons ago).
Chris shows her the mansion she will reside in and Des discusses her parents’ relationship and how they have been together for 35 years. A picture of her parents is shown and it’s rather confusing because they look about 34 years old in the photo. Des starts crying and ABC should really consider putting subtitles for her because I can’t understand what she’s saying as she lies on the bed crying. The mansion has a beautiful view, however, the real deal-sealer is that she has a jar of M&M’s sitting pristinely by her bed. Totally worth it!
She spends the brief, obligatory time recapping her lost love with Sean and the rejection she faced. It made me realize I stopped watching Sean’s season half way through.
Des walks outside by her pool, looks out into the distance and discusses the beauty with Chris. Then she asks, “Is that the ocean?” The camera turns to a large body of water that could not look more ocean-like. I’ve literally never seen anything look more like an ocean. Chris Harrison gives her the keys to her new Bentley like a proud father and Des runs to her fancy little car, which is precariously parked at the edge of a cliff. This could potentially be the shortest season in Bachelorette history if her driving skills are subpar and take her off the precipice.
Des drives around, which must have taken 7 hours to film because there are 19 different angles that they film her in the car. Then she rollerblades in a bathing suit on the beach and tries on cowboy hats. You know, just your typical Tuesday afternoon. She tells the camera she just wants happiness and love (what a crazy notion!) and that she wants a man that will handle her heart with care. So you want a man that works at FedEx?
She meets Chris Harrison again by her pool. This time with drinks in pineapples on a small side table. Totally manly. Chris begins the interview and asks, “Can you believe this is happening?!” It appears he is asking Des this question, but I think he’s really asking himself, “Is this seriously happening? Am I really hosting another season of this god forsaken show?!?”
Des takes his question as one directed toward her and starts crying in response. Chris just nods and smiles to whatever she says. Chris and Des continue the conversation that goes something like this:
Chris: As you know, there are no rules or guidelines on being the bachelorette.
Des: Yes, I noticed-
Chris: No. Literally. No rules. Anyone can be the bachelorette at this point. This show is getting ridiculous. I think my grandmother is being considered a contestant for next season.
Chris: Anyways, what are your rules on kissing?
Des: If I want to kiss a guy, I will.
Chris: Good for you. Not like it matters because this won’t work out. Anyways, why don’t you get ready for your big night and I’ll see you later when you meet your 25 contenders.
Des does her makeup and puts on her disco ball dress (which I’m actually a fan of) and speaks about her life being a dream and fairytale. Mental note: Don’t make drinking game based on every time Des says, “Fairytale.”
Chris Harrison kindly takes some time to introduce us to some of the guys in detail:
Bryden: An Iraq war veteran who plays with his dog in the park and says that he is loyal, protective, and loving. It’s hard to tell if he is speaking about himself or if he is referring to the characteristics of his dog.
Will: Token ethnicity! He is a banker who does Bikram yoga and gives free high fives in the street. He’s really excited about things. Need I say more?
Nick: The Tailor and Magician. I mean talk about dream occupation combination! Might as well have said Doctor and Model! There is footage of him performing a magic show. Anyone else unaware those were done outside of 5 year-old birthday parties? But, then he does a trick that reveals him pulling a beer out of thin air. Ok. I’m listening.
Zak: I had such high hopes for him. He won me over with his paper application, but made me vomit on film. He stands naked on his porch looking out into nature.
Robert: The entrepreneur who claims he invented sign spinning. Can you claim something like that? Is that like claiming you invented ice? Regardless, he is reminiscent of a younger and nerdy Ryan Gosling. He has a one-eyed dog.
Mike: A dental student who looks like he is filming an advertisement for a community college aired on public access. They film him doing dental work as if he was actually a dentist. I’m worried for the little girl he is working on. He was born in England (makes sense why he’s a dentist) but lost his accent. He acknowledges he would be 30% more attractive with an accent. I 100% acknowledge his accuracy.
Brandon: An adrenaline junkie. Does stunts on wakeboard.
Limo Exits… Some of the Worst I’ve Ever Seen:
Drew: So giddy he forgets to tell her his name. He looks polite.
Brooks: Also forgets to say his name. Speaks in a way that elicits noise, but he barely moves his lips. I thought my sound and video were off. He could become a ventriloquist if this whole thing doesn’t work out.
Brad: 20 times more confident than the first two. He brings a wishbone so he and Des can break it and make a wish. That could have gone really wrong. Plus nothing says love like a dead animal carcass.
Bryden: Says Sean made a huge mistake to let her go. You also made a huge mistake to bring up an ex boyfriend within 3 seconds of meeting a girl.
Michael: Federal prosecutor. Goes to fountain to find the penny she threw in with Sean. He can’t find it. Uh, maybe that’s because ABC cleans out the fountain. He gives her a penny to re-wish. A very fake “plop” noise is used.
Kasey: I firmly stand my ground that he is the love child of Jimmy Fallon and Zac Efron. He works in social media and often references hash tags. #annoying
Will: High fives her (because he gives them out for free). He calls Des a goddess and then gives her the nickname of Athena. Then he gives her a history lesson on Athena.
Mikey: Pulls out the family card. Says he is an older brother and that family is the most important thing ever.
Jonathan: Gives her a card asking her to the Fantasy Suite. Could almost have been pulled off as a joke if he didn’t have creepy “I’m-going-to-eat-you” eyes. This went so horribly wrong. I’m incredibly tense.
Zak: Oh I was so wrong about him. He shows up shirtless and asks Des if she will “accept these abs.” Oh, the humanity.
James: Jumps right into marriage conversation and discusses getting fat and having a hunchback when they are old. Sexy.
Larry: Tries to teach her a dance move. Gives her some spins then fails to dip her properly and rips her dress.
Nick: The magician who calls Des “dazzling.” He brings her a napkin rose and burns it and magically reveals a real rose. Magic scares me. He then tries to give her a high five. He should meet Will! High fives for days!
Zack: Wears a suit with Chucks. Thick neck? Des winks at him.
King Arthur: Er, I mean, Diogo. He dresses up as a knight in shining armor. He is sweating profusely. Probably out of nervousness, and the fact he is wearing 43 pounds of metal.
Chris: Gets on one knee faking a proposal then ties his shoe. Compared to everyone else, Des is rather receptive.
Mike: Dental student who wears his lab coat and claims to be McDreamy. I think he is confused as he is a dental student, not a neurosurgeon with luscious hair.
Young Ryan Gosling, a.k.a. Robert: Not much of a tie guy, so he takes of his tie.
Juan Pablo: Spends half the time trying to teach Des to pronounce his name. It reminds me of the time Roberto tried to teach Ali to say his name. Swoon. Oh Roberto…
Brandon: Arrives on a motorcycle. Unnecessary pollution. C’mon. Global warming, folks. Share the limo.
Brian: Didn’t wear a suit because he wears one everyday at his job. So he thought wearing a velvet jacket and jeans was an appropriate substitute.
Micah: Wears a self-designed suit in an attempt to imitate how Des wore a beautiful red dress she designed the first night. Would be funny if his suit didn’t remind me of the Joker from Batman.
Nick: Ugh. Reads a poem that contains the words “right reasons” and “genuine emotion.” Ironically he reads it monotonously with no hint of emotion.
Dan: Seems normal.
Ben: Brings his adorable son, Brody. This is one of the cutest kids ever. Kids in suits. What a weapon. Well played, Ben. He just solidified at least 3 weeks on the show.
Cocktail Party (Can you call it a “party” if no one is having fun?):
Chris Harrison returns from the open bar and tells Des she can give the boys a rose at anytime. Basically, we don’t have time for a long rose ceremony at the end of the episode. So Des has the freedom to give the 19 roses. Oh gosh. Nineteen roses? We are so far from the end.
The magician does his first magic trick by making Des disappear and pulls her aside to have some one-on-one time. No magic between them though.
Brandon gives Des his mom’s AA coin so that she can give it to his mom during hometown dates. Bold move. Really puts Des in an awkward position if she wants to kick him off earlier. “Well I can’t give you a rose, buuuuut I can give you this coin back… for your mom…”
Ben is still winning this game because of his adorable son. He was never married, but having his son was more like “two friends who have a kid together.” Regardless, Des is crying and gives him the first rose. Seems like they will be friends. So they should have a baby…?
The guys are vying for her attention in weird ways. One guy dances, but looks like he is seizing to the point of concern. Zak jumps in the pool in only his underwear. Considering he wasn’t wearing a shirt, he didn’t have to take much off. Des gives him a pity rose for jumping in the pool.
Juan Pablo teaches her how to play soccer as if she’s never kicked a ball before. Almost insulting. But she gets over it real quick because she is really into him. Even if she can’t pronounce his name.
Drew asks when the butterflies go away. He is really nervous and she jokingly accuses him of looking at her chest. He dies of embarrassment. She gives him a rose.
Larry, the dip-fail-guy knows he is “going down in flames.” He acknowledges that he is the worst guy there right after Fantasy Suite guy. He approaches Des and in an uncomfortable tone says, “Let’s talk about the dip.” Des has clearly forgotten about it already and tries to make normal conversation, but Larry keeps taking his glasses on and off slowly, trying to be sexy. Des asks if he is sleepy. HA.
Jonathan (Fantasy-Sour-Guy) claims he is the kind of guy who does bold things. And by “bold” he means “stupid.” He sets up a fantasy suite for her and then does one-legged pushups. He tells Des he was trying to be funny but that she didn’t get it. Never tell a girl she doesn’t get a joke. Des keeps looking at the cameraman, pleading for help. She leaves before anyone steals her away. Jonathan is so confused and says, “my mom says I’m good looking,” followed by, “My love tank has not been depleted for years. We’re looking at a very large love tank.” I don’t even want to attempt to read into what he is referring to. He tries to kidnap Des again and she just sends him home… in a creepy white van.
Des must get rid of 5 more guys now that one has already got the boot.
She sends home:
Larry: Who admits it is embarrassing to get sent home first. No it’s embarrassing to take your glasses on and off trying to be sexy and then telling the camera you practiced the dip 50 times before.
Magic Nick: Turns out Des can make him disappear too. She was hopeful with Magic Nick, but realized she needed her Magic Mike.
Diogo: Poor guy who seems sweet and dressed up in armor for no reason.
I missed two other people. I don’t know how. Oh wait, yes I do. It’s too early to keep track of them or care.
Previews are shown for the entire season. Surprise surprise, they travel around the world and go to beautiful places and fall in love. Based on the clues, it is clear that the main finalists are white and have dark hair. So that eliminates NO ONE from her current pool of 19… except for our token ethnicity.
The best addition of this season were the live tweets sent by fans that were scrolling across the screen throughout the episode. They were essentially tweets mocking the show. I have a new goal in life.
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