Welcome “BACH” to the 9th nauseating season of The Bachelorette! Woot! (Read Also: Barf, Gross! Egags!) Hope y’all managed to find a little “real” life outside the rose garden these last 77 days? After all, rose lovers, ‘tis time we delve back into all the cologne-drenched drama as I bring you the play-by-play on Desiree’s second chance for heartbreak, Err, I mean for love.
When we were last together, besides being knee-deep in penis-shaped cookies and whisky (“allegedly”), we were celebrating the Final Rose Ceremony. We watched Des grip ever so tightly to Sean’s neck (and her dignity) as she begged him to let her stay – and then became adamant to the limo cameraman that Sean just made a huge, huge (cookie-shaped?) mistake.
Five months later, and funny enough that “huge mistake” is long forgotten when Des gets to trade in the keys to her faded Honda for a baby blue Bentley and a posh pad in Malibu stocked with all the essentials — including glass jars of chocolates on her nightstand –to accept the role as ABC’s next Bachelorette. Way to go, Malibu Barbie!
Moments later, a camera crew is providing canned video footage of her skipping in the sand, sliding down concrete turtles, and roller blading half-naked down the boardwalk with skating moves that would make the cast of Xanadu shutter. Xanda-DON’T!!!
It takes us 18 minutes, however, before we learn that Des is going to cry A LOT this season. Thanks to camera angels during her sob sesh, we also learn that Des wears underwear -Hooray! – thanks for that shot, ABC! And thanks for covering up your Hey-Nonny-Nonny, Des!
Des says she feels like she’s on top of the world. And we can’t help but think she’s going to be on top of something, or someone in this case, by the time this mess-of-a-show is all over.
Next, she sits down with Chris Harrison, and drops everything but the shoe itself to make a gazillion references to Cinderella and finding a man.
And speaking of men, just then they usher in her 25 potential soul (or is that sole?) mates. Here are some of Desirella’s noteworthy suitors :
Iraq’d My Brain for Answers:
Bryden is a 26-year old Iraqi war veteran from Montana. Five years ago, his first and only relationship went south. Left despondent and heartbroken, rather than soothing his wounded heart with a beer down yonder at the pub, he did something equally as tame by enlisting in the Army and headed oversees. WTH?! At any rate, thanks for serving, Bryden! And because you have an adorable dog I hope you go far on this war-zone of a show!
Nick R. hails from Chicago where he works as a custom clothier by day and magician by night. His greatest trick may quite possibly be that he’s 26 years with the face and toupee of a 46 year old Klingon. Hopefully, for Des’ sake, his next trick will be a complete vanishing act? POOF!
Oh, Jonathan! What were you thinking when you stepped out of the limo and presented Des with a fantasy suite card? Eeks. And you why couldn’t you leave the skeevy and creepy curbside? Instead you had to bring it indoors by trying to drag Des to a dark room in the underbelly of the staircase to try and kiss her on the lips. No wonder she sent you home before you could say “rose ceremony.” So long D-bag. Take the first bus to the Vegas Strip. Pretty sure you’ll find girls on every street corner that are more what you’re looking for. At the very least, you’ll find the kind of tart who takes selfies in a bikini to use as her Facebook profile pic. Des, on the other, is classy and has no room for attention-seeking trolls obviously there for the wrong reason.
Texas’ own Zak works as a Drilling Fluid Engineer. And while I’m not convinced that’s not a euphemism — “Drilling Engineer?” Really? — it does appear as though Mico, TX may be rich in oil fields but cotton field poor, which is too bad since he needs to spin himself a shirt. STAT! Instead, Zak shows up in the limo sans shirt and keeps his shirtless grease-monkey theme running throughout the night. To add insult to injury, he strips down and jumps in the pool in an effort to get her attention. Uhh, of all the shirtless men throwing himself at Des, you’re the ONLY one! So if that isn’t doing the trick, adding water won’t either. Lucky for him, Des feels sorry for him after his shirt-nanigans and gives him a rose. He promptly pins it to his belt and flexes. — “Will you accept these abs?” ABS-solutely!
The Big Dipper:
Larry is an emergency-room doctor who ironically can’t perform a proper dance spin to save his life. Trying to stand out from the competition, Larry tries to twirl and dip Des. Instead, he clumsily spins her once, steps on her dress, trips her on the cobblestone and nearly drops her on her head. Sheesh! Hope he’s got more impressive moves in the ER! Realizing he screwed up, the next thing Larry drops is an F-bomb as he walks inside the mansion. Later, Larry will pull Des aside to apologize for his clumsy performance. What he should apologize for, however, is that he keeps putting his vision glasses on, then removing them, then putting them back on, then taking them off again — as if to say, I want to see your face, Oh wait, no I don’t. Oh, yes I do. Oh, nah, never mind! Not your best move, Lawrence. But then again, not sure you have any.
The Family Guy:
Call it ballsy, inappropriate or smart, but single dad Ben shows up with his 4-year old son, Brody, the most important thing in his life. But because we’re savvy enough to piece together contextual clues from upcoming episodes, we know that Ben is the resident villain and doesn’t deserve such an adorable bundle of little boy to use as a pawn in his quest for love and/or fame. Regardless, Ben confirms his place as a top-runner in his brief time with Des. “I love that you brought your son,” she says, barely finishing the sentence before she’s out of her chair and walking off to collect a rose for him.
Kasey is in Social Media, which apparently means that he hashtag every comment he makes #thatsnotnecessary. Kasey provided his own hashtagged-moments to the entire season premiere – which was hashtag annoying. Although I did laugh when he said, “Hashtag shrinkage” as Zak jumped in the pool. #takeitalloff
Knight in Shining Amor:
Sir Crazy Lot, AKA “Diogo,” appears from the limo in a full knight costume, squeaks included! The poor fella used every ounce of strength to maneuver the suit to walk the three paces towards Desiree and remove the face mask. Once his one and only crazy feat for love was over, there was nothing but awkward silence mixed with some WD40. Squeak. Squeak.
Zack has two things going for him: He’s from my hometown of Newport Beach, and he knows how to rock a pair of Chuck’s. As far as I’m concerned, that’s enough for love.
In all, twenty five men make an appearance before Desirella sends six home. In addition to Jonathan, who was prematurely ejected, Larry, Nick R., Diogo, Micah and Mike R. are eliminated during the rose ceremony.
It looks like a lot of drama and tears are in store on the Bachelorette Season 9 as we watch previews for the Bachelorette 2013.
Join me next week for Bachelorette 2013 Week 2 Live Recap as we see the Bachelorette Desiree’s first dates of the season. Subscribe to receive these Examiner updates or follow me on Twitter for all the latest updates.
“The Bachelorette” airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC
What do you think of the season premiere of “The Bachelorette”?