As you know, Dez is the bachelorette, and that means we have to deal with Dez for the next few months; we have to deal with someone that CRIES at the mere THOUGHT of her parents being happy together….
Dez refers to herself as ‘Cinderella in the flesh’ because she, apparently, was a slave for her step mother and step sisters for the majority of her life, and Cinderella ACTUALLY met Prince Charming on a reality television show. And she wears glass slippers.
Dez drives herself to a boardwalk and has the time of her life trying on silly hats by herself. She’s so chill! Is what Dez would like for us to think. Too bad Dez. We just think you’re a loon.
After the “funny” hats, Dez sits down for a coloring break and colors some pretty palm trees, then slides down a big rock. WEEEEEE!
Just when you think Dez is too tired to do any more activities, she gazes wistfully into an abyss and chases some seagulls. What a gal.
Next, Dez sits down with Chris Harrison to talk objectives.
Her only rule: no rules.
Chris asks Dez if her fairy tale has a happy ending, which is confusing to me, because at this point she hasn’t even met any of the suitors. Maybe Chris thought Dez was Sean.
More tears about the mere THOUGHT of potentially falling in love, and off to the bachelor pad we go.
Those that get a special video intro: A military guy, a yoga guy, a victim of divorced parents, alcoholism, and a handicapped sibling, a suit guy that moonlights as a magician, a nudist, a sign spinner with a one-eyed dog, a british dentist that sounds American, and a fatherless adrenaline junkie with a drug addict for a mother.
Dez stands outside to meet all these great catches.
First up we have:
Wishbone guy, CLASSIC.
Michael the federal prosecutor. Pretty sure he’s gay. Maybe he thought Dez was Sean.
Hashtags? Someone opened with hashtags?
A creep that tried to get Dez into a nonexistent fantasy suite.
The nudist, arriving without without a shirt. So typical of him.
Larry the ballroom guy that rips Dez’s dress. Neva f*** with a white girl’s dress. Day one s***.
The magician that gives Dez a white rose that he made out of fire. Smooth.
A guy wearing chucks. He’s so chill, he’d like for us to be thinking.
A night in shining armor that turns out to be foreign. Winner. Calling it now.
A seeming proposal that turned out to be just a shoe tier. WHEW. HAHAHA! Close call!
A Venezuelan that can only say his name and no other words. And apparently thinks the phonetic breakdown of JUAN is “Who-Ahn.”
A guy that was too poor to buy a real suit.
And finally, a baby and a dad. Too much too soon I think. But I think he’s my favorite. Followed by Diogo in a close second.
And then the party starts. Dez makes a funny about men typically having larger feet than women, HAHA! And we cheers.
The Cocktail Party:
The magician makes Dez “disappear” but Brandon swoops in and talks about himself. Mikey T. comes off as hairy to me. Ben actually asks Dez questions about herself, +1. But, Ben sits with his legs crossed, -1. Dez gives him the first, first impression rose which makes him an expert at first impressions. Coming off his recent success, Ben shares his secret to the others, “just try to get some time to talk to Dez.”
One of the guys does a weird dance but I don’t know who it was. One of the other guys kind of looks like Nick from New Girl but I don’t know which one it is either.
Zak the nudist jumps into a pool to prove he’s wild n’ cray. Then he gets left alone and he’s cold and regret sinks in. But then he gets a rose. So far, I hate him.
Bryden comes to the conclusion that if Dez doesn’t like him, he MIGHT not get rose. Tell us more about your experience in Iraq, Bryden. SUPER interesting to us. Dez brings him a rose and Bryden is one step closer to being Dez’s bride.
Juan Pablo makes Dez play futbol in her dress, except he doesn’t actually ever pass her the ball.
Drew gets a rose.
Larry thinks that trying to dance with Dez and ripping her dress is the reason he’s going to get kicked off, but it’s obviously going to be his overall demeanor and terrible conversation skills that get him kicked off. Like, glasses on or off Larry, stop TAKING THEM OFF AND PUTTING THEM ON EVERY FIVE SECONDS.
Jonathan, the self proclaimed bold lawyer tries to seduce Dez into “kissing him on the mouth.” He fails, but at least he seduced me into barfing. Their conversation is rotten vegetables, itchy sweaters, human sex trafficking, and everything else that is horrible…. Dez literally ends their conversation without even being pulled away.
Jonathan, being somewhere between alive and brain dead, doesn’t understand why Dez isn’t into him. I mean, him MOM says he’s good looking, so that should count for something. He mentions how his love tank hasn’t been depleted for years, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s a euphemism for his semen…
For SOME reason, Jonathan thinks he can steal Dez for a SECOND conversation, and tries to drag her into a homemade fantasy suite.
She of course, tells him that she feels uncomfortable and sends him home. Good for her, but it almost seems like thinks she’s the “type of girl” that wouldn’t go into the room with a brain-dead rapist, compared to the type of girl that would… do that….
The Rose Ceremony:
Brandon gets a rose, along with a bunch of other guys who’s names mean nothing to us yet, but just in case, include, Zach K., Will, Brooks, Juan Pablo, Brad, Kasey, James, Robert, Bryan, Dan, Chris, and Mikey.
Thank god Larry is gone. He’s literally convinced the dip is the reason he’s kicked off, which just really sucks because 48 out of 50 practice dips were successful. Like, he’s saying he dipped FIFTY different women, and two of them were bad at it… WHERE did he find these fifty women to dip? I really hated him.
Diogo was also kicked off. I actually feel bad for him… he seems like a really nice person. I wish I could kiss his forehead because he’s breaking my heart.
Now that Diogo is out of the picture, I think Ben the father is my front runner.
The magician is also gone, which is a little disappointing, because magic is fun, ya know?
Things to ponder until next week:
How does Dez already know everyone’s name?! Who will get the first one-on-one date? Who the hell’s girlfriend is that in the upcoming episodes? Will more people keep mistaking Dez for Sean? Will Michael the Federal Prosecutor come out of the closet? Do the bachelorette contestants have to go through a training for how to pin roses to lapels so efficiently?
Only time will tell.