With the coming of the Carlos Danger name generator, anybody can now get a new name that makes them sound like a telenovela star or, as Jon Oliver put it on “The Daily Show” Wednesday night while skewering politician Anthony Weiner via his endless sext scandal, a “Bolivian action hero slash porn star.” Still, Slate magazine’s little algorithm that spits out melodramatic Spanish-enhanced names could be used by people with unsavory reputations to change their image or make their way in the world parallel to their ill-regarded real selves. And why not? What do people like Casey Anthony and Bernie Madoff really have to lose?
It is easily done. Mike Oz’s July 24 “Major League Stew” blog at Yahoo Sports quickly latched on to the idea of taking Major League Baseball Players’ names and putting them through the Carlos Danger name generator. He found that Brewers standout (and PED scandal-plagued) Ryan Braun was “Pablo Death.” Future Hall-of-Famer Derek Jeter became “Anibal Violence.” Writer Mike Oz himself couldn’t resist tossing his own name in the generator. He became “Raphael Catastrophe.”
Huffington Post Canada even had a go at pushing through Canadian politicians to see what their names might have been if someone like disgraced congressman and habitual sexter Anthony Wiener was asked to supply an alias.
The Carlos Danger name generator, which can be found on the Slate magazine website, has taken hold of the Internet’s interest, especially since Weiner’s ridiculous-sounding pseudonym, “Carlos Danger,” made headlines as the New York City mayoral candidate’s second sexting scandal brought it to light (and to life).
But sports figures aside (and they come up with their own ridiculous alter ego names, like Chad Ochocinco and World Metta Peace), there are people in the world that have run afoul of the public’s good graces and truly need aliases. These are people that the public, by and large, react negatively toward when they hear their names. So here’s a list of Carlos Danger name generator pseudonyms for people who could use a break from getting eviscerated and scorned by the general public.
Casey Anthony — Alejandro Peril (the generator apparently assumed she was male)
George Zimmerman — Marcelino Menace
Justin Bieber — Dario Adventure
Eliot Spitzer — Mario Smash
Edward Snowden — Jose Stealth (not sure if that would help the NSA whistleblower)
Dzhokar Tsarnaev — Sandro Catastrophe (again… not so sure that’s any better)
Bernie Madoff — Marcelino Peril
O. J. Simpson — Carmelo Hazard
Sen. Steve King — Raul Clandestine
Rep. Michele Bachmann — Narciso Catastrophe (same last name as Tsarnaev… hmmm)
Paula Deen — Andres Risk
Kim Kardashian — Benito Risk
Kanye West — Fabricio Stealth
Yes, some people do need a name makeover. (Or maybe they need an image makeover that comes with a new name. Whatever, but we’re just dealing with pseudonyms here.) However, given the melodramatic flare of the Carlos Danger name generator, some of the names may not actually help the person they’re generated to represent (for example: Edward Snowden and “Stealth” and Dzhokar Tsarnaev as “Catastrophe”). Some names are so appropriate it defies logic, like Michele Bachmann being made over in the alter ego of Narciso Catastrophe. No one can argue that she’s an attention-seeker self-aggrandizer whose been nothing but a catastrophic political failure (except at raising money) for the Republican Party.
Join us for our next installment when we put the names of history’s most evil villains through the Carlos Danger name generator. For a taste of what’s to come: Adolf Hitler will become “Manuel Calamity” and Pol Pott will take on the pseudonym of “Mariano Death”…