News outlets today reported on an horrific incident that occurred in the office of the governor of New Jersey. Last Friday, N.J. governor Chris Christie heartlessly and with malice of forethought executed a defenseless arachnid.
While hosting his daughter’s fourth grade class as they visited the State House, the governor was alerted to the spider’s presence as it crawled across the top of his desk (most likely in an attempt to alert the governor to some pressing political insight) before it was thoughtlessly attacked by Christie.
To add insult to injury, the governor concluded the smashing by taunting the corpse of his fallen foe as sickening applause filled the room. “That’s also one of the fun parts of being governor,” Christie gloated. “Any bugs on your desk you’re allowed to kill them and not get in trouble.” While he might not have gotten into any legal trouble, thanks to the influence of some all-powerful animal-hating meat lobby (probably?), he no doubt sent home some children with more than a few emotional scars.
As if that weren’t enough, the governor callously tweeted about the incident, casting himself as a hero for committing such an abominable crime: “Earlier today I saved a few school children from a spider.”
Not one to let casual atrocities fall by the wayside (or miss a media opportunity), PETA president, Some Hippie, said, “He probably did it without thinking. Some people put the spider outside, but spiders are often scary to people, and that can prevent them from pondering their worth.”
At once insulting and incisive, PETA has managed to call attention to the continuing genocide of our four, six and eight-legged friends (no word on their “snake” or “fish” policy). PETA, the Westboro Baptist Church of animal rights groups, has long waged an uncompromising war against fat cats who are out to eliminate all things furry from the planet.
Here are some (probably NSFW) examples of their continuing crusade. Clearly, dehumanizing women, equating animal abuse issues with mass genocide and using drones on hunters are the only reasonable ways to bring light to these unthinkable issues.
Before you go hating exclusively on Governor Chris “The Butcher” Christie, take a moment to look through the attached list where we’ve assembled some of PETA’s most hated haters of our animal equals.
Before you go wondering if PETA is trying – like the rest of the socialist, liberal media – to drag the names of perfectly upstanding conservatives through the mud – keep in mind that PETA gallantly lashes out wherever they can get some press … er, champion the rights of animals.
Take into account the incidents of January 2009, a date which will live in infamy, when then-first term President Barack Obama literally stopped an interview to “track and kill a fly”. While a host of preening sycophants lined up to congratulate the murderer’s lightning quick reflexes, it was PETA – brave, brave PETA – who stood up and called out for some to consider the fly’s perspective.
The organization admonished the president, calling it an “execution”. They even went so far as to send Obama a device that captures flies humanely so that they might be released into the wild (and fly back into your home or office to resume annoying you within seconds).
Beyonce ruffled PETA’s feathers earlier this year after unleashing a pair of custom-made kicks from designer Isabel Marant sewn from the skins of ostrich, crocodile, anaconda, calf and stingray. A spokesman for PETA expressed the group’s outrage, saying, “These custom-made kicks come with a high price – and it’s paid by the various animals who were beaten and skinned alive or cruelly farmed and killed.”
The sneakers, called “King Bey”, are the latest in a long line of affronts against cuddly things perpetrated by the most powerful unelected woman in the world. Sincerely, this move actually got called excessive even by fashionistas.
PETA continues to hope that Beyonce and the gentleman she is married to (whose name escapes me …) will one day make the transition to cruelty-free design in the hopes that good taste can eventually recover from her impact.
Lindsay Lohan is an addict, and it’s something everyone should be concerned about. Lost in the tumult of unimportant family issues and a mild affinity for drugs and alcohol (and nip slips), Lohan’s real addiction has been eating her alive for years. That addiction, the thing that’s ruining her life, is her lust for meat (animal meat, perverts).
Always the altruistic organization, PETA recently offered to help pay for rehab for everyone’s favorite red-headed slow-motion train wreck if Lohan would simply agree to give up the only portion of her diet presumably that doesn’t come from hops and the coca plant.
This is a great opportunity for LiLo to get in good with an organization who hasn’t always been her biggest fan. For proof, just check out Lohan getting flour bombed in this (not at all extremely hilarious) video.
While Lohan’s stay in rehab might have been brief enough that even she can afford it, we can only hope that she comes to her senses soon enough to get her life on track and get rid of the one (er, two) things holding her back: beef and chicken.
Hilton, the Jackie Robinson of being famous for no reason other than having a crap load of money she didn’t earn, has come into PETA’s crosshairs repeatedly. What’s unique about her situation is that PETA’s ire isn’t due to her questionable fashion choices or her questionable diet (questionable only because we’re not actually sure she’s ever had a full meal), it’s due to her “love” of animals.
PETA has repeatedly hounded (pun intended) the heiress for her growing menagerie of “accessory” pets, saying that the spoiled brat spends thousands of dollars on designer animals only to disregard them once they’ve lost their shine. PETA also got particularly snippy about Hilton’s adoption of a pot-bellied pig and her love-hate relationship with a pet kinkajou (which are apparently an extremely vicious species).
Assassin’s Creed 4
Most people take issue with video games because they tend to feature lots and lots (and lots) of slaughter. Ninety-nine percent of the time, these games focus on those beings who are meant to be put down with extreme prejudice (like zombies and Nazis), but PETA is up in arms (again, pun intended) over the latest installment of Ubisoft’s perennial “Assassin’s Creed” series.
Not because the series continues a decline that’s inversely proportional to its ability to make me want to throw the controller through a window (which is totally on the rise), but because the series’ newest entry, “Assassin’s Creed 4: Black Flag”, features the ability to hunt and kill whales.
We hate to spoil PETA’s cheerful obliviousness, but whale-killing is the tip of the iceberg in video game murder. Animals have been virtual victims since the inception of the video game. Heck, they’re typically the first thing a player kills.
You think whale killing is bad? PETA, let’s take a brief break from the wall-to-wall sarcasm to hip you up to the modern age. Here’s a lovely video entitled “Killing Every Animal in Far Cry 3”; spoiler alert, it starts with the machine-gunning and skinning of a turtle.
Because, why not?
Perhaps the worst repeat offender in PETA’s eyes (besides Kate Moss, who was omitted from this list because … who cares about Kate Moss anymore?), Victoria Beckham is using her post-“Spice World” celebrity to further the brutal mistreatment of animals.
Previously slammed for her $1 million handbag collection (starring Hermes – the overpriced handbag that loves a good animal-skinning), Beckham – or “Excessive displays of personal fortune” Spice, as she was once known – continues to rile the crusading animal rights organization.
In late March of this year, she was pictured inundating her child in the ways of animal torture, as the child was carted around town in (gasp!) a fur coat.
While the photo here in no way offers some insight into the fashion designer’s reputation for being “icy”, we can only assume it’s grown out of her blatant disregard for the creatures of the Earth and her insistence on passing this legacy of annihilation to a new generation.
Kim Kardashian & Kanye West
Most people know K-Kar and the West man as the best, most super couple ever (pictured above, blissful), however PETA sees these two miscreants as public enemy number one.
“‘If a shared obsession for the dead skins of tortured animals is a recipe for love, Kim and Kanye are a match made in heaven,’ Wendy Wegner, spokesperson for People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals tells RadarOnline.com in an exclusive interview [last April].”
Both members of the power couple have come under fire from the organization in years previous, with Kim getting flour bombed on a red carpet and Kanye flaunting his mink-wearing habits in a new song. Now, the fur-obsessed twosome have come together to breed the ultimate animal slaughterer (to be rivalled only by Blue Ivy Carter, no doubt) and woodland creatures across the world are shivering in their plush, one-of-a-kind pelts.