We interrupt the seething rage within America about issues related to race, gun violence and corporate greed for this breaking, totally vital, and rather real moment of hilarity. Naturally, it involves a sports franchise which plays in what has now been confirmed as the world’s first nuclear voodoo reactor: the Tampa Bay Rays.
This past Sunday, Canadian superstar singer/songwriter Carly Rae Jepsen was invited by the Rays to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at their game at Tropicana Field (crickets per capita: 32,000). Normally, such occasions are reserved for local dignitaries and kids with serious illness, but in Jepsen’s case, it appears to have been a way to say “we’re sorry you had to play the Trop, so here’s a parting gift….please don’t sue us!” Naturally, Jepsen took the mound wearing the Rays’ powder blue jersey and ballcap, with the catcher standing by, ready to receive her toss.
Credit Jepsen: she was very cute in her uniform. Even more adorable was her hair, which made the Canadian (what is it with Canadians looking like their skin could catch fire in Florida sunshine?) look like a perfect poster child for the Wendy’s Restaurant Hamburger Chain. When she took the mound, the crowd was cheering her as though she was the female version of Randy Johnson (maybe call her “the RED unit?” Nevermind!) Jepsen, in classic First Pitch Fashion, did an overly dramatic windup and, with all the enthusiasm of a girl scout wanting to sell cookies, flung the spherical item…
Almost straight down.
And the crowd gasped.
And the crickets chirped.
Jepsen’s pitch became the subject of the blogosphere, the sports world and politics. President Obama even said that Jepsen’s pitch may have been related to fear of violence if she pitched well enough to make Yankee fans realize that, once Mariano Rivera retires after this season, Jepsen could be an upgrade. But this, however, pales in comparison to the recent arrival of the Giant Super-Sized Ferris Wheel of Doom in Atlanta.
Skyview Atlanta, a 180 foot ferris wheel, is set to open Wednesday at Centennial Olympic Park, home to the World of Coca Cola, the Georgia Aquarium, and one-half of Anderson Cooper’s wardrobe. City leaders hope the ferris wheel will do for Atlanta what such rides did for other cities – namely, get stupid out-of-town drivers off the roads! Construction of the wheel had been delayed by, among other things, forty days and forty nights of non-stop rains, or at least that’s how it felt lately. The contractor in charge of building the ride committed to having the wheel put together within two weeks of the weather breaking. Now that it’s complete, the ferris wheel will offer a “breaktaking view of the city,” or least the breathtaking tourist parts of the city which the Chamber of Commerce hopes tourists will go to visit afterwards.
Despite the ferris wheel’s weather woes, it is still no substitute for the fact that two members of Congress now want to establish a National Park…on the moon. This is something which only an organization as maniacally idiot as the United States Government could concoct. Several arguments for and against the park, requested for the site of Neil Armstrong’s first footprint, have been brought to bear. Supporters argue the need for a park to protect it from developers in the event space tourism becomes economically viable, while opponents state it’s beyond U.S. jurisdiction. The fly in the ointment of that argument is that the United States could, technically, annex the moon the way Texas was annexed in the 19th century, except for the fact the moon would be a much cleaner environment which would run a far lower risk of wanting to secede.
Space tourism would, however, create the possibility for serious development issues on the moon. What if Disney decided it wanted to build Lunar Disney or, worse still, an evil genius builds a base on the moon for the sole purpose of holding it hostage for one billion dollars? Wait a second, didn’t that happen?
To readers: I have been informed that the aforementioned fear is based on the character of Dr. Evil and that the most significant risk posed by such a base would be a sudden space-time convergence of the 1960s and present day, which actually happened about seven years ago and lasted exactly 65 minutes.
To Atlanta tourists: it is strongly advised that you visit the World of Coca Cola after riding the ferris wheel as, sadly, the ride has no in-cab toilets or urinals.
To Rays fans: Carly Rae Jepsen should never be confused with David Price…she knows when to admit she can’t pitch.
To Canadians: Extremely fair skinned Canadians are a known stereotype. We know that real native Canadians are actually invisible creatures which only show themselves during hockey season.