I am 26 and fell in love with my 22 year old girlfriend over the internet. She kind of lied about her appearance – it turned out that she’s a little overweight. However, that was two years ago and we’re still together because I actually do love her. But she keeps asking me why I’m not as sexually active as I told her I was before we met. I never dated an overweight person before, and I guess its just not my thing.
I think she knows, but just doesn’t want to admit it. Well, finally I told her the truth after a lot of nagging me about what’s wrong. She wasn’t mad at all, and like I said, I think she already knew the answer.
She said that we can still stay together, and that she understands, but is that the right thing to do? How should I handle everything? Should I be hinting around about her losing weight?
We both really want to work it out. I’ll take any advice you may have!
Troy in So. S. F.
The internet can provide the perfect medium to fall in love with someone for who he or she REALLY is as a person, without the distraction of looks. Obviously, you aren’t displeased with her, but it seems you believe you would be more sexual if she were slimmer.
There are two things that you should be worried about though:
#1 as we and our relationships age, there is a natural fall-off of sexual activity. A man who is getting it 3x a day at 18 (when men are in their sexual prime), will not still be doing that at 38. When a relationship is new and people are sexing like bunny rabbits, five or so years later the frequency has normally decreased somewhat.
#2 Watch out what you wish for, because your desire for her to be slimmer and “more sexy” could be a double-edged sword. If she is such a great and wonderful person that you fell in love with sight unseen, with a “sexy” new body coupled with her fabulous personality, other men will be all over her and competition for her attentions is going to be fierce.
Most young ladies in her position feel that since you wanted the weight loss and didn’t accept her as she was that she doesn’t owe you even a modicum of loyalty. If she has always been a bit plump, she might not know how to handle all the flirtation, adoration, acceptance and attention that she would start receiving from large numbers of men. I’ve seen it happen dozens of times.
Ultimately, your rejection is what will get you kicked out of her life. She will realize that she can do better and will get rid of the man who made her feel unsexy and undesirable just because she was a few pounds overweight.
If you really want to save this relationship, you could try downplaying your previous level of sexual activity by telling her that your focus has changed and you need different things than you did when all you did was hop in and out of bed. Assure her that she more than makes you happy and that the weight thing is not an defining issue in your relationship. BUT if she would like to lose weight for herself, you will assist her in any way you can.
Say things to her like: “I didn’t fall in love with you for your waistline, but for the richness you bring into my life, and the joy you bring to my heart,” or “the beauty of you is that you are all woman. I love how soft your skin is, and how good you feel next to me.”
Do whatever you need to do to make her feel good about the way she looks. You need to let her know you truly love her, and that you support her goals 100%, whatever they might be. If you honestly cannot do that, then you need to stop seeing her and move on.