The Bachelorette has stopped announcing what season they are on. It’s like the NOW That’s What I Call Music CDs, it really lost its excitement after NOW 72. Also, I think referencing CDs may have just aged me.
Regardless of the season number, Desiree Hartsock will be seeking the love of her life after her devastatingly long period of mourning (3 months?) since Sean kicked her to the curb. I’m sure those 3 months were difficult, especially with 2 of those months requiring her to shoot promo videos for this upcoming season.
ABC never fails to amuse with the Bachelor bios. They have now included the handwritten questionnaire that applicants submit. So now we can judge them by their appearance, attire, and answers to these silly questions, but also harshly criticize their handwriting!
At a quick glance, it appears ABC cut back on their whole diversity initiative. Whereas, Sean’s diverse mix almost represented the population, we seem to have regressed back to token ethnicities. For example, there are 4 contestants with a name in the form of Mike (Micah, Michael, Mike, Mikey). Hopefully she’ll find her Magic Mike.
Ben: A 28 year-old Entrepreneur (a.k.a. unemployed) man from Texas. He has a shoe size of 11.5 in case you were wondering. ABC has obviously increased the number of meaningful questions on the application. He writes that his three worst attributes are “short attention span, sometimes a bad listener,… wait what was the question? Oh! Something shiny!” He also wishes that if he could live in any other time period, it would be “Jesus’ timespan.” I can’t tell if he is religious, wishes he could walk on water, or is in need of a carpenter.
Brad: An Accountant/DJ from Denver. Desiree may want to invest in this money man; he’ll spin her finances just right. Brad’s favorite game is chess because “It really makes you think. However, I seem to be really bad.” ……… To top it off he responded that his favorite book was “ESPN magazine,” because he can’t remember the last time he read a book. At least he has a size 12 shoe?
Brandon: A painting contractor who hates olives. He has very white teeth.
Brian: Before looking at his information and only judging him on his photo, my first impression was to not trust him with my money. Turns out he’s a Financial Advisor. (Just Financial Advisor, not a DJ). He also wishes he could be Donald Trump for a day. I now understand my initial reactions.
Brooks: A 28 year-old Indie music loving guy in Sales & Marketing. He wishes his super power could be to learn things at a moment’s notice to “put together new public policy” and “reshape the way we look at approaching the world and its available resources,” oh and also to go on Jeopardy! “to beat Watson (the computer).” His application looks like it was filled out by two different people based on the handwriting. I feel like Sherlock/that I need a life.
Bryden: A 26-year old Iraq War Veteran. He admits his most embarrassing moment is when “I thought I was texting a girl I liked but I had mixed up numbers and was texting a gay dude that we had been hanging out with all night.” Does anyone else really want to see that conversation thread?!
Chris: A Mortgage Broker. His favorite snacks are almonds. His favorite board game is Scrabble. I can’t tell if he sounds incredibly boring or like my ideal soul mate. It’s a weird feeling. I like his handwriting.
Dan: A Beverage Sales Director. I feel like that would be a really good way to say “bartender.” He wears Speedos. So the pool scenes should be interesting.
Diogo: A Marketing Manager from Brazil. His favorite movies include No Strings Attached, The Lucky One, and The Hunger Games. I’m wondering if he misread the question and thought it asked what would a girl’s favorite movies be? He seems to be quite the romantic though. Ay papi.
Drew: A Digital Marketing Analyst who seems charming. His three worst attributes are (1) Bad sweet tooth, (2) Becomes uninterested in boring conversations, and (3) He just discovered his left leg is longer than his right leg. So in sum, he’s a normal human being.
James: A 27 year-old in Sales. His favorite author is Dr. Seuss. His biggest date fear is that “I spill tomato sauce on my white shirts.” Well then don’t go to an Italian restaurant and wear a white shirt? Just eat Green Eggs and Ham.
Jonathan: An Attorney who considers that his three best attributes are height, shoe size, and vertical leap. He’s only 6’1’’ with a shoe size of 11. Unless he can jump 17 feet vertically I’m not impressed. His photo exudes a “hey-I’m-kind-of-quiet-and-mysterious-but-also-really-concerned-about-your-feelings” face. I think he’s practiced.
Juan Pablo: Yes, he is foreign. He is a 31 year-old Former Pro Soccer Player from Venezuela. When asked his favorite book, he replied, “Don’t Read.” Dude, at least put a ESPN magazine or claim Dr. Seuss…
Kasey: I spent a lot of time looking at his photo because I couldn’t decide who he looked like. After much consideration: a combination of Jimmy Fallon and Zac Efron. You’re welcome.
Larry: A 34 year-old ER Doctor. When asked what he was hoping to get out of this show he wrote, “A wild ride. Fun. Maybe a lady friend. To meet Chris Harrison.” Solid.
Micah: 32 year-old Law Student who claims Bruce Willis is amazing. He loves it when his date “is cool.” He hates it when his date “is NOT cool.” This guy seems cool. He also once bought an engagement ring after dating a girl a week. So this show might be the right pace for him.
Michael: A Federal Prosecutor. I don’t know what that completely entails but it’s intimidating. He should lighten it up by adding he is also a DJ or something. However, his profile makes him seem like a sweet guy, which is ironic because he makes it very clear he is diabetic and can’t have sugar.
Mike: A dental Student/Model from London. He does have impeccable teeth. When asked what his ideal mate looks like he wrote he likes eyes. And then circled “eyes” to emphasize his ideal mate would have eyes. What about teeth?
Mikey: Whenever I read the name Mikey I can only think of the adorable and chubby kid from the cartoon, Recess. Anyways, Mikey is a 30 year-old Plumbing Contractor. If he were stranded on a desert island he would bring music, his family, and his friends because he would “go insane without them.” Is it mean to wish your friends and family were also suffering, stranded on a desert island?
Nick M.: An Investment Advisor. Seems fairly normal. He has puppy eyes.
Nick R.: A TAILOR/MAGICIAN. CAPS NECESSARY. This will be good. He’s also wearing a very tailored shirt that is black, much like a magician. If a dove were on his shoulder I would be concerned/amused. His handwriting is oddly pretty. He wrote a lot and often wrote in the margins. He also owned a DJ company.
Robert: Looks 19 but is actually 30 years old. He is an Advertising Entrepreneur (a.k.a. Unemployed in Advertising). His biggest fear is having a giant piece of spinach in his teeth. I don’t understand these guys’ fears. Don’t eat spinach then! You’re not Popeye. He says he does want kids someday. He wants twin boys and a girl. I love when people say they want twins, as if it is just that easy to make happen.
Will: Our token ethnicity. He is a 28 year-old Banker. He said he would do anything for love, but he won’t do “meth.” His favorite author is R.L. Stine. Yes, as in Goosebumps. No judgment here. Actually wondering which book was his favorite.
Zack: A Book Publisher from California. I’m neither enthralled nor annoyed by him.
Zak W.: A Drilling Fluid Engineer. Sounds messy but lucrative. When asked what the most romantic present he has ever given, he responds, “It definitely wasn’t that robot vacuum. Messed up on that one.” If he could have a superpower it would be to open pistachios telepathically, especially the tough ones. He likes karaoke. If he could have lunch with anyone it would be Cookie Monster because “it would be fun to watch him pay.” I seriously just want to do karaoke with him while flawlessly eating pistachios as the robot vacuum cleaner picks up after our mess.
Rumor has it that the premiere airs this Monday. How is that possible? How do they produce these shows so quickly? Why does Chris Harrison not age? So many questions…
Follow me on Twitter @samanthaimada
Subscribe to my articles. You won’t regret it. Or at least not immediately.