As far as disasters go I suppose S.744 is a little more interesting than the Senate usually gets.
For the benefit of those of us who remain incredulous let’s try for some clarification. After months of negotiations and wrangling about interior/border security the GOP’s big hard fought concession in the upper chamber involved convincing Democrats to spend a bunch of money.
(Best deal since somebody decided to sell Manhattan to the Dutch.)
Who knows what Chuck Schumer would have thrown in if the Senate had waited just a few more days?
Worse yet, Corker, Hoeven & Co. signed off on what isn’t quite bottomless discretion for the next head of Homeland Security. What happened to the legislative branch jealously guarding its authority from an overweening executive?
I’m being Punk’d, right? At any moment we’ll get to the part where Ashton Kutcher comes out with the cameras and the real Senate bill that reforms America’s immigration suggestions.
One minute Rubio’s spinning us a tall tale about “security first” legislation, then he boards the good ship lollipop and comes back replaced by one of the pod people. (The champagne-sipping somebodies and their sybaritic one-percenter cohorts must have gotten him at last.)
No wonder the House doesn’t want to go to conference with you people, if I were them I wouldn’t trust Senate Republicans to find water if they fell out of a ship at sea.
Oh, and don’t forget it’s all about “coming out of the shadows.” Yes, somehow we’ve decided the more evolved politicos in this policy debate are the ones that won’t stop talking about “the shadow people” of North America.
Better yet, the government “needs to know who these people are.” (That one’s not even a little bit creepy in a post-Edward Snowden world.)
(And by the by, it’s not like Snowden did anything wrong. PRISM wasn’t a state secret. It was just undocumented public information.)
So thanks for all the catch phrases these past few months. But seeing pols brought to heel as this “debate” rages feels a lot like watching a reasonably bright person walk into a bar and promptly fall for a truly execrable pick up line.
Remember, “Did it hurt when you fell down from heaven” got started somewhere. And the person that phrase worked on instantly made the world a worse place for the rest of us because now we’re stuck with it.
So for the love of God, please dispense with this incessant talk about the fate of the shadow people.
This edition of Hump Day Humor includes Dennis Miller with Bill Kristol, Laura Ingraham with Raymond Arroyo, Hugh Hewitt with Senator John Hoeven, Dennis Prager with Ann Coulter, Bill Bennett with Byron York, and Guy P. Benson with Mark Steyn – a small sampling of quips, non sequiturs, sarcastic commentary, and anything else that might put a smile on your face.
Dennis Miller Show 07/16/13 on Lehigh Valley’s 1100 AM WGPA
Speaking with The Weekly Standard’s Bill Kristol regarding his joint editorial with National Review’s Rich Lowry opposing the Senate immigration bill
Dennis: Listen, not since Judy Exner asked Sam Giancana and JFK to swing together in a three way have I seen powers like Lowry and Kristol come together.
Kristol: I love it. Thank you really for that analogy. It’s kind of – I can’t even think about it actually. I’ll tell Rich though that you said that.
Laura Ingraham Show 07/11/13 on Philadelphia’s 1180 AM WFYL
Speaking with Raymond Arroyo regarding her 4th of July experience and President Obama’s continuation of Bush foreign policy
Laura: Ok, a 4th of July parade in Edgartown Massachusetts which is in Martha’s Vineyard, beautiful town, I mean it’s gorgeous.
Arroyo: No elite people there, that’s every man – Laura Ingraham every man. Ok. Go ahead.
Laura: There were some non-elite-people who marched in the parade. But it’s nice; there are fire engines, the old 1940’s fire engine. The animal shelter had a float, the Veterans of Foreign Wars, they marched. It was a really nice old-fashioned parade. Then it got toward the end of the parade. And I noticed – and our house was right on the parade route – so I got to see –
Arroyo: Our house?
Laura: Well it wasn’t mine it was my college housemate’s.
Arroyo: Oh, the house in which you were staying. Ok, I just wanted to clarify. I didn’t know –
Laura: I don’t have the money to rent that house.
Arroyo: Oh, I thought we were bragging about multiple residences now in Martha’s Vineyard. I’m just checking. Edgartown watch out! Lock up your children and your pets.
Laura: No, no. So at the end of the parade I’m watching this rag-tag group of Woodstock festival wannabies approaching us. They’re part of the procession.
Arroyo: Young people?
Laura: These people – they looked like they just came out of the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. They were in tie-dye, grizzled beard. Men had beards that had braids in it at the bottom of the beard.
Arroyo: That’s good; you can keep things in there. It’s like a little backpack in the front.
Laura: Old ladies with those woolen socks…it was 90 degrees, and they loved those earthy socks.
Arroyo: Where is this going exactly?
Laura: And they’re always that color you can’t quite describe, it’s not gray
Arroyo: It’s not green. It’s kind of – it’s kind of a sickly taupe or something. It doesn’t know what it wants to be
Laura: It’s a dirty-pot-holder-color. So they’re carrying a bunch of signs, it looks like they’d just written them on the parade route…and the parade signs say “War Is Not the Answer,” “Give Peace a Chance,” “US Out of Afghanistan,” all this stuff – ok – and I’m for the US out of Afghanistan so I appreciated that. But I looked at them all and they’re going slow. They were kind of stuck in front of the house in which I was staying…
Laura: So of course I start shouting out with my three children and my friends standing there, “GOOD FOR YOU!” “GET OUT OF SYRIA OBAMA!” “STOP OBAMA’S SYRIAN WARS!” “STOP OBAMA’S SYRIAN WARS!” “STOP GITMO!” I started screaming all this stuff [about] Obama. “DRONE PRESIDENT!” “IMPEACH THE DRONE PRESIDENT!” – Just for fun to see whether these people would react.
Hugh Hewitt Show 06/26/13 on Philadelphia’s 990 AM WNTP
Speaking with Senator John Hoeven (R-ND) regarding the border fencing language in the Senate’s comprehensive immigration bill (S.744)
Hugh: …As I read this, I go on to read, limitation on requirements notwithstanding paragraph 1, nothing in this subsection shall require the Secretary to install fencing or infrastructure that directly results from the installation of such fencing in a particular location along the southern border if the secretary determines that the use or placement of such resources is not the most appropriate means to achieve and maintain effective control over the southern border at such locations.
Hoeven: Right, and when I read through that with my lawyer, he said because the earlier section is the controlling section that requires a minimum of 700 miles of fencing, this only gives some discretion as to where on that 2,000 [mile] border is placed so it’s put in the most effective areas. And I’m happy to go back and check on the controlling section and find out exactly what the sanctions are. I don’t know what it is off the top of my head, but I’m happy to go back and check it and get back to you.
Hugh: Senator, you’ve got to fire that lawyer, because honest to God…there is absolutely nothing here that compels the construction of a fence.
Dennis Prager Show 06/19/13 on Philadelphia’s 990 AM WNTP
Speaking with Ann Coulter regarding the Senate’s comprehensive immigration bill (S.744)
Dennis: …It weighs 24 pounds.
Coulter: Well that couldn’t possibly be the Democrats hoodwinking Republicans
Bill Bennett’s Morning in America 06/03/13 on Philadelphia’s 990 AM WNTP
Speaking with The Washington Examiner’s Byron York and Producer Christopher Beach regarding wedding season and Dr. Bennett’s suggestion that a signal be given for older individuals to leave somewhat earlier in the evening without offending the bride/groom while younger individuals party on
York: It seems to me you shouldn’t actually need permission to leave by say 10 o’ clock but on the other hand I see nothing wrong with saying something like that – that some of you people are old and tired and decrepit and square or whatever.
Bill: Oh please.
York: That you might need to leave early, and we understand that, and we’re glad that you had the energy to join us in the first place.
Bill: …You’re lucky to get here at all?
Bill: See Chris’ view is…cause Chris is only 19 is – well he’s a little older than that – is the party should go on forever. He hates it when they say stop. He hates it when they say that’s it, the bar’s closed. And he thinks they should go to two [AM]. And he doesn’t really care about old people.
York: Chris, all Bill is asking is just to be given a pass…permission to leave gracefully…
Chris: …He’s portraying me like the Paul Ryan of weddings – pushing old people in wheelchairs off the side of weddings.
Hugh Hewitt Show 05/30/13 on Philadelphia’s 990 AM WNTP
Guest host Guy Benson speaking with Mark Steyn regarding Eric Holder and the DOJ’s treatment of journalists
Guy: …Mark very exciting, week two now of Eric Holder investigating Eric Holder, do you think he’s alarmed by what he’s discovering about himself?
Steyn: I don’t think he knows whether he’s alarmed about what he’s discovering about himself. If I followed correctly it’s not just that he finds out the facts of this case by reading them over breakfast in The Washington Post, but he actually discovers his emotional state of mind by reading about it in The Washington Post over breakfast. So I believe he discovered that he was feeling personal remorse about this case by reading The Washington Post. So I suppose at some point we’ll hear from one of the friendly leakers to The Daily Beast or The Huffington Post that he’s actually now feeling alarmed about what he reads about his own state of mind about himself. And what he is shocked to have discovered that he did by reading it over breakfast in The Washington Post.
Guy: The belated navel gazing is funny. It actually reminds me of a scene in one of my favorite shows, it’s called Arrested Development…but the mother, the matriarch character is in a car, she’s had too much to drink and she says ‘you know what, no, I’ll take a cab.’ And then it zooms out and she’s already crashed into a pillar.
Good old Eric Holder…
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Podcasts and recaps of the Laura Ingraham Show are available here
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