In a June 23 article, Irish Central’s Amy Andrews recapped a recent interview with Heather Locklear in which the actress described a terrible date she once endured with star and couch-jumping enthusiast Tom Cruise:
“We had auditioned for something together and he didn’t have any friends . . . I mean, not that he doesn’t have friends. Out here he didn’t have friends. We went out and we went dancing…You know in ‘Risky Business’ where he does that dance in his underwear and does the splits? We were dancing at a club and he went into that! He started doing the splits…You just kind of stand there and don’t know what to do. Do you dance around him? So, I was like, ‘I’ll just sit down and you can . . .’ “
Take note fellas — although watching a female show off her flexibility via split/somersault/downward-facing-dog can be both impressive and enticing, the same rules do not apply for females witnessing their suitors break into an uncomfortable flash dance.
Here are a few other gems that belong nowhere on a first date — or basically any date…
“I just got out of prison”
We all make mistakes, but there’s no need to air out all your dirty laundry right from the get-go.
I recently met an attractive gentleman while paying tribute to my Irish ancestors by enjoying a Guinness at a local watering hole. Not long after we had struck up a flirtatious exchange, my potential suitor decided to address a tattoo and slight indent on his temple that would have otherwise gone unnoticed.
“Yeah, I just got out of prison three months ago,” he told me. “That’s where I got these tattoos and this scar.”
“Wow…” was what I managed to muster, my mouth agape.
“It wasn’t for anything violent,” he exclaimed, backpedaling, his fingers waving wildly in front of his face like some poor man’s version of jazz hands. “I was just a drug dealer — grass, not anything major — sometimes I miss it, but I guess it’s good I don’t do that anymore.”
“I’d say so…”
“By the way, if you’re interested, do you wanna smoke later?” He grinned. “I got some stuff back at my crib…I don’t have a car, but I live right around the corner.”
“I think I’m gonna take a pass on that,” I replied, and suddenly needed something much stronger than an Irish brew to block this exchange out of my memory.
“Nice feet! I have a foot fetish, by the by…”
“I just got out of prison dude” was also responsible for this little gem.
As I stood there with my jaw still slackened by his stream of admissions, he finally picked up on my discomfort.
“I’m sorry am I freaking you out?”
“Just a touch…”
“Aw jeez, I’m really sorry!”
A pause hung in the air between us before his eyes traveled down to my feet, which were exposed due to it being flip flop weather.
“You have really nice feet,” he murmured. “Sorry, I have a really big foot fetish.”
“Can I close my tab?” I asked the bartender by way of response. The dude left, and I felt the immediate need to take a shower.
“Order whatever you want…by the way, could you pay for everything?”
If you are the person that has planned the date, raved about what a “gentleman” you are and prefaced the meal by exclaiming, “please! Order whatever you want! You’re the lady after all,” then it probably isn’t wise to show up with nothing more than a $20 (or worse…wallet lint) and sheepishly ask your ladylove to cover the tab.
And yes, this advice has also been inspired by one of my firsthand experiences. Read the full story here.
“My ex was a total &*%$##%#! Allow me to get more specific…”
Although the desire to converse about past relationships can be tempting early in the dating process, dropping a bunch of expletives to describe the [insert derogatory proverb here] you once dated is completely unnecessary and will most likely backfire.
Before “can you foot me the rest of the cash for this tab?” dropped the bombshell that he had cut up his credit cards after going on one too many benders (hence his lack of funds), he decided to launch into a discussion about exes and how his was a total “b***h.”
It can be healthy to discuss exes after a relationship begins to progress in order to understand deal breakers and dating preferences each of you have gained from the experiences. Talk about your ex without bitterness, and treat the past more as a learning experience rather than a cause of resentment.
“I had quite the bout with chlamydia last summer”
There comes a time when it may be necessary to discuss certain parts of your sexual history with a partner.
The first date is not one of those times…
Back when I was studying Health Science in college, a date decided to bond with me by discussing — at length — his past experience with chlamydia. Hear about the mortifying experience in its entirety here.