Aloha, everyone. Since it’s Throwback Thursday (well, not technically, it’s Wednesday night but you’ll probably read this on Thursday and maybe I’m just being considerate of my European fans. Also I might not completely understand time zones), I decided to post an old article I wrote, but it will probably be new to you.
This article was on my old, secret website, and enough time has passed that I feel it can be shared with the world. If nothing else, this will act as a cautionary tale to those of you thinking about taking diet pills. Or eating fast food. Also I hope my boss isn’t reading this.
Product Review: Diet Pill Alli
I, like any 20-something female, would like to lose about 15 pounds. I’ve gotten to the point where I can lose 10 pound, but not 15. At 10, my body stops and says “Whoa there, Sugar! We cannot allow you to lose any more weight, because then people will be able to actually notice that you look thinner.”
So when the Alli diet pill came out, and they advertised that you could lose 50% more than just dieting alone, I was extremely excited. Not as excited as the time I found out my sister was pregnant, but that was just because that bought me a few years before my dad would start hinting that maybe I should produce some grandkids as well (“Ohh…that’s a nice loose shirt. Preparing for a maternity top?”), but excited. Here was a way I could make the effort to lose I, like any 20-something female, would like to lose about 15 pounds. I’ve gotten to the point where I can lose 10 pound, but not 15. At 10, my body stops and says “Whoa there, Sugar! We cannot allow you to lose any more weight, because then people will be able to actually notice that you look thinner.”
There are a few warnings on the extremely expensive bottle of Alli pills. The main one being: Don’t eat more than 15 grams of fat per meal, because the extra fat comes out in your stool. Yes, they say “stool.” Which makes me wonder how the tall no-backed chair got its name. Anyway. For the first week or two, I was doing great. I had lost a few pounds, I was carefully monitoring what I was eating, and yes, sometimes tiny oil spots appeared when I went to the bathroom but I didn’t experience the “loose bowels” the bottle also warned of.
Now, I started taking these pills shortly after Jack in the Box introduced their real fruit milkshakes. I have a limited number of fast food options by my house, and if I stopped at Jack in the Box on the way home, I would get a fajita pita, because that is supposed to be the healthiest thing on the menu. A few weeks previous to this, I had gotten a mango fruit shake and loved it. As they advertised, it was simply real fruit and ice. Usually I go to Jamba Juice and get their Peach Pleasure (which is also fruit and ice) for breakfast, but one morning I stopped and got a Jack in the Box real fruit mango shake and took it into work.
I got to work just after 8am (I work late all the time. Don’t judge me). I took my Alli pill and sipped my mango shake. I opened my email and listened to three voicemails. I finished the shake at exactly 8:23 am. I knew it was 8:23 because I took a minute to fix my computer clock, which gains or loses 10 minutes every week. At 8:24am I fixed my computer clock, and at 8:25am I was returning a call, and spent the next few minutes in pleasant conversation.
At 8:36 am I completely oiled myself.
Of course, the only possible explanation was that Jack in the Box had lied. Those were not real fruit milkshakes. In fact, over the next week I did extensive research online and even called into the JITB headquarters to find any kind of nutritional information on those real fruit shakes. The closest anyone had come to figuring it out was that there was a liquid fruit component poured into the shake that gave it its wonderful flavor. My personal theory is that they must pour that liquid fruit into pure lard, and serve it to customers.
What happened was this: After finishing my conversation with a client, I hung up the phone. The phone is across my desk, and in placing the phone down, I had to move my arm, and part of my torso as well. That movement caused my ass cheeks to spread ever so slightly, which was apparently all the oil needed to charge full speed ahead.
The smell was…awful. I can’t describe it. The texture was the same. Imagine pouring vegetable oil into the carcass of a large pig, letting it sit for a week or two, and then imagine that very same liquid being somehow expelled from your body. And there was no stopping it. I tried to clench, but there was too much, and it all happened so fast. It was pooled in my seat, like I was sitting in a vat of oil.
Luckily, I work in an office full of the most oblivious men in the world. They didn’t notice when I put a jacket around my waist and went to the bathroom for 15 minutes. Then they didn’t notice when I came back armed with paper towels and cleaner stolen from the bathroom closet, and they didn’t notice as I mopped up and sprayed down my leather chair. They also didn’t notice when I left the office and went home to change. The only time someone did notice was when my boss came in that afternoon and asked “What’s that horrible smell?”
“Oh,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Eric had fish for lunch. Again.” And we had a good laugh.
So, final product review for Alli. Does it work? Kind of. I lost a few pounds, but probably not more than I would have lost anyway, by cutting down my meals and monitoring my fat intake. Would I recommend it? Only if you aren’t having sex (because God knows it would be a nightmare if you oiled your partner) or if you are ok wearing an adult diaper and smelling like the absolute worst smell known to humankind. Myalli.com is not joking when they say “oily spotting, loose stools, and more frequent stools that may be harder to control.”
At $50 for 30 days, it’s not worth it. I kind of feel like most diet pills can only end with awful results. Think of the people dying from ephedrine, I think some lady died jogging. And those aren’t the only bad side effects. I distinctly remember thinking my first roommate in college was on crack, when I came home one day at 3am and she was cleaning the house, no, cleaning the baseboards with a toothbrush while Kenny Chesney was blaring at top volume. Yes, the ephedra in Hydroxycut had made her listen to Kenny Chesney. Much like the Orlistat in Alli made me stop dating for a month, ruined my pants, and forced me to quietly switch out my chair for one in the conference room.
Oh, also. One last thing, if this product review hasn’t scared you off from taking Alli. If you ever poop out the oil, it is cold. Like, very cold. The first time it happened I thought I was having a baby. I’m not sure why I thought the baby would be cold, or coming out of a place that is probably anatomically impossible, but that’s just an fyi.
I conclude my product review with a 5-star rating system:
Effectiveness: *** (but mostly because they make you cut down your meals)
Weird/Gross Factor: *****