Thinking about getting married? If so, has either researched each other? When buying a vehicle, most people conduct a thorough research and ask salespersons tough questions about the car. But strangely, those same people enter a marriage without asking their mate any tough questions at all. Many people tend to operate on a belief that everything will magically work out in the end. But one has to realize that life is not a fairy tale. Yet, these same people get married, and then reality sits in. Sadly, the result is nearly one of two marriages will end in divorce. The best way to ensure that a marriage will last and not end in divorce is to discuss major issues beforehand. Couples should talk about the below big three issues before setting a wedding date.
Although it may be hard to fathom, sometimes love is just not enough to keep a couple together. So often couples do not discuss their relationship; they are just a part of it. Too often individuals after a marriage has ended will share an issue that is an obvious deal breaker. When asked if it was discussed prior to getting married, the answer is often “no.” Do not make this mistake. Never get married without knowing a future spouse’s thoughts on the big three issues that can ruin a marriage. Compromising is usually not an option if a couple disagrees on these particular issues, which can be deal breakers.
How will we manage our finances?
Why does a couple avoid discussing money? Thinking about this question, no one discusses money. It is like the subject of money is taboo. Although money is a hard subject for couples to talk about, not discussing it usually leads to complications later on. It is best to discuss money before the “I do’s.” That is right. Couples need to discuss their individual finance style and their collective financial goals.
The technicalities of how couples handle finances are really not the issue. The real issue is whether or not couples can calmly and practically discuss money. If how money is spent, saved, or not spent is an issue before marriage, it will be an even bigger issue after marriage. The best way to start a dialogue on money is discussing each other’s bill paying history, debt and how much, current spending habits, and current income versus spending. Discussing personal finance styles is also extremely important. Some people are savers, some are spenders, and some spend money impulsively. If one marries someone who is the financial opposite, conflict will arise.
When couples plan ahead about money and save, they tend to have fewer money problems than couples that do not. But for those couples that have different finance styles, it becomes imperative to discuss how they will handle household finances. As long as couples discuss finances before marriage and take a mutual approach at handling it, conflict can be avoided.
Finding mutual ground on deciding how money is saved and spent is crucial in a marriage. Even before the vows, couples need to plan a budget. They need to discuss how the budget will be balanced and how finances are allocated. Couples also need to live within their means and have an emergency fund. If a partner does not want to discuss money before getting married or does not think discussing money is important, postpone the wedding until the money issue is solved.
Are we sexually satisfied?
Talking about one’s sex life is very awkward for many people. Discussing differences in sexual desires, frequencies, needs, preferences, favorite positions and what is or is not working can be very difficult. These difficult discussions are not just limited to intercourse but foreplay as well. If a couple is not willing to have this difficult discussion about sex, the problems will never be addressed or solved.
One of the biggest problems with couples and sex is most married couples discuss their sex life with friends instead of their partner. Why are so many people reluctant to openly talk about their sex life with a spouse? Instead, many get defensive and combative. Why? Most people do not want to think or know that they are not pleasing their mate. Consequently, they are so afraid of learning the truth or receiving feedback about how they are doing sexually that many avoid the conversation all together.
But one has to remember that their partner cannot read minds. Sex is one subject that most couples just do not discuss. They usually have a lot of sex and if asked, would not exactly know what their partner likes or dislikes. A misunderstanding and unspoken sexual desires and needs will surely lead to conflict. Couples need to deal with their sex problems by being open with their respective wants and desires. By accomplishing this, both will become sexually satisfied.
If a couple does have an open discussion about sex and continue to have problems, they should reconsider marriage until the issues are solved. Differences in sexual desires, needs, or preferences will tear a marriage apart. But if a couple does not want to talk about sex or their issues with sex or if one partner does not think there is a problem, cancel the wedding.
Do we both want a family?
The decision on whether or not to have a family is almost always a deal breaker. Couples need to discuss this topic before getting married. It is imperative that a couple is on the same page to avoid any future problems. Yet, many couples actually marry without ever discussing whether they want to have children or not. This is an important issue in a marriage. Since most couples marry in hopes of starting a family, it is a must to discuss if both wants children and how many. For the couples that disagree about children, this will trigger conflict.
It should be a huge red flag if a couple cannot agree on whether they want to have a family. Starting a family is a huge responsibility and both partners should agree when discussing such a lifelong decision. If a couple thinks that they will be able to deal with this issue later in the marriage, they will be making a big mistake. If one parent makes the decision to have a child when the other clearly does not want children, this will only cause conflict that will lead to resentment. This will not be fair to the child or the marriage.
The deciding to have children discussion should take place before marriage. It should be a long thought out process and not a “if you want to” or pressuring parents ready for grandchildren decision. Instead, having children should be determined by a couple’s readiness, needs, and wants. If a couple disagrees on having children, they should reconsider getting married.