Sometimes the stressors that have a negative impact on a marriage lye deep within the thoughts and beliefs one may have of self. We all know that navigating day to day issues can be tough. But there are silent negative marital killers lurking. They are the hardest to combat because they lye deep inside ones opinions about self.
Every time you hide things from your spouse or put them down you may be unknowing adding to damage. In order to overcome negative thinking patterns and self-defeating beliefs, it is important to understand the definitions and differences between these two concepts.
Self-defeating beliefs: Your belief system is made up of your personal views, attitudes, and values. Your beliefs are always with you, shaping the way in which you see yourself and the world around you. Self-defeating beliefs can set you up for failure and dissatisfaction.
For instance, if it is your belief that your self-worth is solely determined by your accomplishments, you will only feel fulfilled when you are excelling at your career, achieving your goals, or reaching a desired level of status. Self-defeating beliefs fall into two categories: intrapersonal beliefs you have about yourself and interpersonal beliefs you carry about your relationships.
Intrapersonal self-defeating beliefs revolve around issues such as a drive for perfectionism, approval, and achievement, while interpersonal self-defeating beliefs may involve feelings of blame, submissiveness, and fear of conflict. Negative thinking patterns: Unlike self-defeating beliefs, negative thinking patterns are not always with you.
Rather, they only surface when you are faced with an issue. Also known as cognitive distortions, these negative thoughts will come to mind during times of stress and reinforce your self-defeating beliefs. For instance, perhaps you hold the self-defeating belief that your worth is solely defined by your achievements.
You may feel okay as long as you are able to consistently reach your goals. However, when faced with unforeseen setbacks or obstacles, negative thinking patterns may cause you to over-analyze or exaggerate the severity of a situation, ultimately triggering unfounded anxiety.
In such circumstances, you may begin to have negative thoughts, such as labeling yourself a “failure” or blaming yourself for not reaching your goal. You may think to yourself, “I will never be a success” or “it must not have been meant to be.” Over time, these thoughts can lower one’s self-esteem and may even contribute to the symptoms of depression and panic disorder.
It is difficult to feel successful in your role as a spouse with damaging thinking like this. These areas of thinking are even more difficult when they are created early in life are dragged into your current relationship. What tends to be perceived as simply a spouse with a bad attitude is not always the case.
Your hurting inside, there is no way to feel good when you poses this frame of mind. Our personal beliefs are learned and developed over time, making them very difficult to change. Similarly, thought patterns become a habitual way of thinking that are so ingrained, we are often unaware of them.
However, there are ways to break the cycle of self-defeating beliefs and negative thinking patterns. To rise above your self-defeating beliefs and negative thoughts, start by recognizing when these issues come up in your life. For instance, notice your outlook on life and how you react to different problems.
Do you face your problems head-on or do you succumb to negative thoughts? Is life full of possibilities or do you see the glass as always being half-empty? After you start acknowledging self-defeating beliefs and negative thinking patterns, take back control by challenging them.
For example, if you’re feeling inadequate, question if it’s true that others only accept you free of flaws and imperfections. No one can say they fit the mold of flawlessness. Spouses should build each other up, support each other.
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